I used to write poetry when I was younger as a form of expression. Looking back at some of the poems, mostly the shorter ones they describe my SA perfectly but at the time I didn't know what SA was.

This is one with no title

Shiver away the cold,
And the fear that holds me.
Its harder than you've been told,
To be here and be me.

Fall into confusion,
I'm lost as I stand here
I'll study as I listen,
Though words are but near.

And

*Maybe Somebody*

So many people,
No one gets close.
No one around,
Not enough space.
Lots of people behimd me,
No memories to follow.
One person right here,
Gone, without a trace.

My Favorite being 

Fallen Angel

I am an angel,
deep inside,
A fallen angel,
who has to hide.
My wings are broken,
cant fly away,
My heart is broken,
from trying each day.
I was misled,
to this horrible place.
I was given,
this ugly face.
I don't understand,
What these people are saying.
I can't get the handle,
Of this different feeling.
The dampness that falls,
From these many skies,
Also falls,
From my once blue eyes.
I think I'm invisible,
Like I'm not real.
Nobody sees me,
Or What I feel.
As nothing here,
Is what it seems,
I am often afraid,
To have dreams.
I sit and wait,
For the day to pass,
And hope its long,
The night will last.

Reading back over these poems and others, I realize that I spent a lot of my teens trying to figure out why I was so sad and depressed, it angered me that I had no reason for it (or so it seemed back then) and I was always hoping for something bad to happen to me. It is really sad to think that a child feels like this and can't tell their parents. When I was under ten (I can picture the room but we moved house after I turned ten) I wrote a note saying I wish I was never born and my mum found it asked what it was about and ignored it.....I mean bloody hell at 15 I wrote a suicide note to my best friend, mum found it and NEVER questioned it.(I wonder how she would react to knowing I sat in my room waning a razor)....as a child I had no safe place - at home dad did my homework with me and lost his temper at me for being slow it resulted in me not doing most of my homework then going into school being tortured by teachers for not having homework done - well fuck you guys I was dyslexic, thanks for picking up on that (they never did), thanks for being supportive, I still feel as stupid as I did back then today. I spent so much time doing homework I went straight to bed after and I would try stay up all night to prevent going to school.....it never worked - I kept failing myself. My life was school, homework, bed, school, homework, bed.

Even today I cannot speak my opinion or answer a question in class - "what do you think" results in panic in how to protect myself -even towards the people I love and trust. When I said something wrong as a child my dad would bang on the table next to me or hit me with his fist on my back, call me lazy and stupid. Ask me was I handicapped or just trying to make him mad. My teachers made me do work on the board I was unable to do in front of the class, laugh at me, call me a time waster and keep me in at lunch - I remember one day being told she would love to put my head through the wall and hit the wall with her fist really hard. Even though today I know no one is going to do any of them things I still get the same physical and emotional reactions within as if I that age again.

Right now I am really angry and sad. They let me down - I know people go through worse but that is part of my personal story. I found my reason for being so depressed and it WAS NOT MY FAULT

If you have read this and I don't expect anyone to - I just want to tell you to take good care of yourself. If there is anything you ever do, protect the venerable they need you.

Take care world
Peace

Scared that it doesn't sadden me!

I think if I type this out it might change the thoughts in my head or makes more sense of them and put them right.  The past while I was feeling really unwell – I got really down and at one point I was ready to step out in front of a car, no joke – one of the only things that stopped me was that I had so little energy and to do that even seemed like a big task, it would have required too much energy, emotional energy and I just didn’t have it.

After a really stressful college week of which I started to cut myself during I then started my second college clinical placement. My placement is in a new town that I was never in before, I was never in the centre before and I didn’t know the people I was staying with. Anyway Monday morning I arrived at the day centre nice and early, too early, 9:15 and I started to freak out....maybe I had gotten my times wrong but shortly one of the nurses came and she showed me around...I  don’t know what it is but blonde people often make me nervous, turns out she is really nice though.

First day I felt like I did nothing – I was asked to sit in another room as the blond nurse (who is also my preceptor) had to prepare for an anxiety reduction group (ironic) I did end up telling her I have social anxiety and she thought it was cool that I felt I could tell her – It just felt too weird, like I should be the person taking part in the group not leading it. Anyway she was doing that and I was not allowed to sit in on it so I had to read rules and regulation, one really big book. Lunch was awkward as I sat there really quiet and unable to add to conversation and after lunch....well I can’t remember what happened then but I do remember thinking I was not going to be able to stick it out if it was going to be this quiet all the time. By the end of that day I felt really anxious, in the way and like I was just going to be a nuisance for the next five weeks.

I returned to the b&b, I don’t remember the right serious of things but I do know I just felt so lonely, and down - I tried to distract myself with some college work but it didn’t work, I started scratching at the cuts on my arm and then remembered I had to wear short sleeved tops to work so I really shouldn’t do that, grabbing one of the razors I had bought the day before I broke it open and pressed it really hard into the skin on my leg and pulled it across really slowly, I didn’t go deep but I did it many times....this did not make me feel any better. 

After that I couldn’t decided if I should go and get something to eat or not. Either way I decided to go for a walk. At this stage I was at my lowest point. What did I do I can’t really remember but I do recall walking up and down the town a lot and some guy asked me if I was okay. I decided at this point I would try and find the bus stop and decided I would place my distress onto this and asked him where it was. He pointed to a place of which I went to and found no bus stop; this really distressed me....that there was no physical bus stop.  So I paced about for another while, I didn’t know the place so I didn’t know of any good place to go walking. So making my way to Tesco I came by the church – I went it thinking that it would be quiet and maybe a good place to maybe feel a little calmer – NO! Whatever talk had just been on ended and everyone was really loud as they left.  I still knelt down and begun to cry softly to myself, I don’t know of anyone noticed but I left soon enough and thoughts of horrible things that could happen to me raced through me like running water, walk into a dangers looking place get beaten up or worse, walk infrount of a car, I was wishing something would happen to me like I deserved it or it served me right. Walking up the town again I started to become aware that someone may start to notice how many time I have come around here – I went back to the b&b and thought I could do something to myself here but that would not be fair on the people who owned the place – so I went to bed and faced the next day!

And I am still facing the next day. I have returned to my student accommodation and I can say for sure that I was never as happy to be here as I was when I got in the door.  The few days after that which had lead to today have been a lot better, I can gladly say I have not cut myself again and I have an appointment with the college councillor again in two weeks. It is a bit of a wait and I wish I could see her sooner but I am too afraid to request that.

At the present moment I feel....well when I think of going on placement tomorrow my stomach turns and all weekend I have had thoughts of harming myself to get out of placement. Drastic yeah! I have no plans or ideas as to what I could do but I really wish something would happen to me to get me out of this mess I feel I am in – I feel I am not good enough for this place but I don’t even feel sad about it anymore....that the scarcest part! 

I was too ashamed to tell the counsellor that I did cut myself; I wish I did, but I was too afraid of her reaction.

Today at work I was wearing my uniform which is short sleeved, I could see the cuts on my arm. Three lines that kept reminding me of what I did, making my feel stupid and ashamed of myself. Why did I do it??? More importantly why did I do it there?

Not feeling good tonight - if i had the strength and ability to think about it God knows what would happen - sigh! 

Few weeks ago I tried taking some pictures again - on up above is the only I like really

I cut myself tonight - First time in a few years - I keep pressing agents it and it hurts, not much, but I like the feeling. 

I have so much work to do, I have so much study to do but I am just no feeling it. I cannot get myself to move and finish what needs doing and it is driving me mad. My head hurts and feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool.  

I feel slowed down, and my back is hurting – I would like to go for a walk but it is too dark outside, I would like to make a cup of tea but there are a lot of loud people in the kitchen. I have to make some calls tomorrow and Wednesday that I am not sure what to do and I am complaining too much.

I am struggling to write this as I am uninterested but I don’t want to do anything else yet feel like I have to do something. I would love to crawl into bed and cry but I know that will make me feel worse. A cry would be good...maybe I will go into bed I have to be up early for college as I have an exam in the morning.

My eyes are sore and tired and the music I am listening to makes me feel sad, my head feels worse maybe I should take something, go to bed and sleep for a while....it’s times like this I get bad thoughts...you know them thoughts...the bad ones but it’s okay I wouldn’t make it to the shop and it’s too cold and dark out anyway. My feet are cold!  

A Long Wait

 So, yes I have not posted in here in a long time – I guess one thing with this blog is that I will not force myself to make a post, therefore when I have the need I will come back and up date. It has been awhile and in reading my last post I have realised a lot has happened since then – a lot!

I can’t remember if I said in the past that I have been seeing the college counsellor but yes that I am doing! I had a bad Christmas and the weeks that followed were pretty bad too. Cyclical depression she called it (or suspects anyway) and has me keeping a mood diary – So to add in there yes I did finally open up a little, I told her, it was scary – The suicidal thoughts, the very low feelings the loneliness – And yet again since I am not in that place right now it is very hard to go back and explain it! One main thing though and it was one of the scarcest things to do, she made me see the college Doctor over it. This left me in an angry state he told me to keep my head down and just concentrate on my studies and not to be going out partying, drinking and alike! Yeah, Mr Dr Sir – I have SA I want to learn how to fit in not become a social outcast! I was also offered medication – I was like wow NO! Not going there!

College is going in two directions, wonderful and “oh so very stressful”.  The wonderful part would be my placements and my interest in what I am studying ,getting out wonderfully with my class – though getting a little distant from Tom – The stress starts when I have to do presentations, I have one in two days. A ten minute presentation on skills needs by a psychiatric nurse for effective communication with service users. The content is fine, standing and speaking for 10mins is not! Another poster presentation next week followed by an Anatomy exam – oh the joy! I also have a vinate (yeah I am not sure of that word) next week too. Which is going into a room and talking to a guy with depression (an actor), the conversation is watched by lecturers and recorded- EK!!! I wonderfully failed my first college essay (trust me to do such a thing) so I am also redoing that while try to get my study in order for summer exams! 

Things can be hard and although I am still isolating myself to a large extent I am moving on from what I was a year back from now! It was in January last year I discovered SA and from that I have discovered a lot more about myself. My next post – A year in review – should be interesting!

This is short but I am tired and will update again soon! 

Barriers for Success

When it comes to talking about personal stuff I go silent, I cannot talk- words do not come out. If someone asks me how I feel I can’t describe it, I sometimes cannot answer questions and the person on the other side gets sick of this and annoyed so they move on. Really I would like for someone to stick with me as I struggle to tell them, I feel stupid telling others how I feel as I know they are stupid thoughts that I should not have as it takes me a LONG time to get there I just need to be pushed!

When I do go I get asked if there is anything I want to talk about, I usually say no but really there is but I feel stupid bringing it up, this gets me nowhere! I lie so I don’t have to get too deep on subjects such as depression, suicide, self harm as I feel like an idiot!! 

Pre - placement!

So I am starting clinical placement on the 15^th. Yesterday Tom, Amber, Sarah and I went over to see the acute adult mental health ward for our placement and too see what times and dates we are down for. Firstly the locked door to the ward was not what I was expecting – it was a push button with a door that had a plastic see through part. For some unknown and horrible reason I have visions of a big heavy door that needed opening with a key. Oh what the television has done to us! We entered the ward and found some third years in the nurse’s office and they told us we would get to see some “cool stuff” here- I was tempted to ask what she meant but I didn’t.  So for the first week I am on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I am not on the same days as the others which is a little scary and I hope Maire comes in (she is never in college) I felt okay in the environment, it took me back a little – seen some patients eating (I think it is okay to call them patients) but at the same time I am not too sure what I was expecting – long wards where they site in their  beds all day....I really don’t know .

All in all I felt pretty calm and non threatened in the environment (even if it was only for 5mins). My anxiety over starting in a week is low and that is a little scary!

Sexuality

Right now I am in a bad place, and I am so uncomfortable with myself. So to start things of I am asexual and I HATE this so freakin much. I just started college about 6 weeks ago and I love it. The new start was great, I tried to put a lot of my crap behind me and start fresh but now it is all coming back and drowning me again.

I had accepted myself as being ace a few months back but when I met this really amazing guy at college I tried to convince myself that I was using it as an excuse for my anxiety. I had/have no anxiety with this guy and I cannot explain why, he really is one of a kind. So Tom (as I am now calling him) is in the same course as me, there are 16 people in my class most of whom are a lot older then I am and Tom is the only one I really get along with and hang out with. We got pretty close a few weeks ago and things went a little further a little faster than I expected.  Things went a little deeper and as this was my first em....meaningful......??.....relationship everything was extremely new and strange. Now I never felt uncomfortable in his presence and said no at times to certain things but I was never feeling it or felt turned on, if anything it just felt, not wrong but pointless...??... Meaningless. Hell I got so upset with myself at one stage I broke down and just sat there staring into space, he kept asking what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him....I physically couldn’t get my words out. So he has told me we are incompatible and that we shouldn’t pursue such a relationship but just stick to a close friendship. Fine, but the fact that we hang out in college all the time, he is still really friendly towards me, we hang out in the evenings doing after college activities has my head messed up. I have fallen for his personality, manner outlook on life, he still pokes me, he still dances with me and he still asks me to go clubbing with him. I guess he never did really fall for me if he was to give up on me that easily (though I don’t really blame him) The worst thing is I have social anxiety and he is one of the few people in college I feel comfortable to be around, when he isn’t around at lunch or other I hid myself in the library studying or whatever.

So the moment I feel like some freak person who can’t enjoy intimacy with a really amazing person, I mean it is such a normal thing for people to want, I wish I could be like that! My self-worth has hit the floor and begun digging. 

I want to know if it is too late to learn how to communicate?

I grew up in a house where things were not discussed. Mum would shut off and ignore me when things got hard. I was never encouraged to speak about how I felt or give my opinion. It's just something I was not brought up doing and it's frustrating me. When I get asked a question that I cannot answer I go blank and go silent not out of choice for the most part....how do I learn different, is it to late?

When I met with my councillor and she asks if there is anything I want to talk about before we do other stuff I usually say no even though there is...how do I stop saying I'm okay when I am not?

I really hate this side of me - it's so unhealthy!

__________________

Starting College!

So I haven’t written here in a while – What has been going on with me? Well to put it short a lot has happened over the past three weeks. I may even go to say the best three weeks of my life.

 I am now registered in college and am a Psychiatric Student nurse – Of which I am still in disbelief over, it all feels very surreal, that feeling may even last the whole four years! The main thing and I have really suppressed myself is that I have had little/ no anxiety meeting so many new people all at once, it is pretty amazing – although I wish I could say the same when it comes to the night time. There are just fewer than 1,000 students on the campus of the college, 15 in my course, of which I am the second youngest. It’s pretty amazing that everyone else is mature being over 23. I have made two buddies of whom I would love to call friends soon enough! I am living with two girls who are in general nursing and they are a little too much for me, don’t get me wrong they are lovely girls but they expect me to follow in their footsteps in going out partying every night (no thank you!) but the other two are more understanding and I feel really comfortable when with them out. I was at a house party with my roommates and it was highly uncomfortable but when we left for the night club where I met with Rick and it is was like I became a different person, and I could become myself again.  It’s strange I feel really comfortable around him (but more about that later)

My house mates seems to be having house parties a lot and expect me to join in with them – the last day I was almost in tears as I was so anxious but later that night I went to the town and met with Rick – I am going to try and make an appointment with the college counsellor as I really need to learn how to get over this fear of being social and having fun with others. 

I was talking to the occupational health nurse the last day and told her about my anxiety (just so the college is aware of it) so now she is writing the psychologist I was seeing and I have to see the doctor. I guess it’s not that bad as I know I need to keep on top of it and this way I can. The main difficulty I have had over the past few days it small talk – I can’t do it and it really annoys me when people talk about uninteresting things no one is interested in – but Rick said he will help me with that. I haven’t told him about my anxiety but he knows I am socially awkward (anyone could figure that out)

So at this stage I have completed three weeks of college and I must say I love it here, best choice I have made in my life. I was in the library last week and was looking at some books and nearly started crying as it just seems so perfect.  I joined a few clubs this week, boxing (I’m the only girl in that) caving and mountaineering. Rick and Rose are in the later two but in boxing I will know no one, which I think will be good for me, just to but myself out there and get over my stupid fears. All in all I am the happiest I have ever been in the last 3 weeks; meeting like minded people brings such a good feeling!

Take Care

x

I think I am passed lonely or else I am just so used to it I know no other way. There are times, few, which I wish I was with somebody so badly I cry – not a lot gets me crying. I hide too much; I hide my feelings from myself too. I spend 90% of my time at home in my room and 90% of that time I don’t seem to mind.  Is that right though?  I’m not even sure how I pass the time. Reading, writing letters (re writing them) watching t.v., computer – a lot of the time I just sit on the bed doing nothing – making lists, playing playstation, sorting something out, thinking, worrying, planning.

I hate to let others know how I am feeling when I am anxious, upset, scared and I am so very scared to ask for help when I feel this way too. I am afraid I will be laughed at by my mother.  That I will sound stupid. Sounding stupid, being wrong or boring are my fears. I am afraid I cannot get out with words how I feel or what is wrong with me...I can’t find the words; I don’t know how to explain this stuff. 

Speaking!

It’s not that I don’t understand how others do it but I don’t think I will ever be able to open up for real with another human been. I find it so hard. Sitting on my bed and thinking about telling her makes me feel physically sick and nervous. I fear  starting will lead to an awkward silence where I am meant to speak but can’t because I can never describe how I feel and my mind always goes blank under pressure. Pressure why would I put myself under that amount of pressure if I could avoid it in the first place? It’s just easier to keep to myself. What if she’s not interested or feels awkward, why ruin such a good day? NO! It is much easier to lie on my bed listening  to music.

So talking to Lilly about my SA – It’s not the outcome that scares me; it’s the process of telling her. I know she’ll be fine with what I want to tell her, it’s me saying it to her that’s so difficult.

When I speak out loud and all focus is on me I panic and when I hear myself speaking out loud it often sounds to me that what I am saying sounds fake/unreal/ stupid/ unimportant . I try to get what I have to say out really fast and go straight to the point that I leave out a lot of important points that would have helped enforce what I was trying to get across – It’s because I fear this is going to happen it does.

As I said I’m not afraid of the outcome of her knowing but rather the telling her part that is proving difficult.  Why am I so afraid of it? There has to be a reason – Am I subconsciously linking these feelings with something that happened before, but what?  

A Memory

While reading something on line a memory was prompted. I had to be well under the age of ten as I remember the room this took place and we lived in that house until I was ten. I don't know why I or what happened to make me do this but I wrote a quick note saying "I hate myself, I wish I was never born". My mum found this note and asked me about it, I remember she asked me what it meant and I said I don't know - she them made me rub it out (as it was wrote in pencil) and that was the end of it.

This memory makes me sad as it show that I have hated myself since before I was ten - that it pretty upsetting.

I have added a video bar - It focuses on Avoidance Personality Disorder (AvPD) of which I feel I do fit into but don't feel the need to label myself with - For anyone (if there is anyone) reading this who doesn't know a lot about social anxiety it helps explain a lot and I can relate a lot to what this person says.. the following are points that apply to me from the first video.

1.         Things seem more dramatic when you say them out loud.

2.       When I do make that connection I am on top of the world. 

3.       When I have a friend I hold them very close

4.       The biggest complement is when somebody sticks around and sees good in you.

5.       Sometimes I feel so bad about myself that I stop talking with my friends, I don’t answer their messages because know they will ask about me and I don’t want to talk about myself when I am feeling down and I don’t think that will understand my troubles – They are not real troubles to other people, to others they are pathetic, to me they are real.  

6.       When I need them the most, when I need help that’s when I push them away. ‘Cause it’s during them bad times when I’m feeling down that my self –esteem goes down and I don’t think that anybody wants to be there for me because I’m not good company. Why would they want to be around me

7.       What happens when you don’t feel comfortable around your own parents, when you can’t express your needs because when you have they are dismissed, ridiculed or overrated?    

In January this year I went to visit a friend from school who I had no seen in well over a year, it was because of this visit I ended up discovering I have social anxiety. The whole visit was my friend, her boyfriend and I, I had not met him before and the whole weekend was horrible. I felt very anxious around him the while time, I couldn’t talk or look him in the eye, I felt that he did not want me there and that he looked down on me. At one point when the three of us went out to dinner I had to leave the table to go to the bathroom to cry. I feel like this most of the time meeting someone new or someone I am uncomfortable around but put it down to shyness and me being weird and stupid. I did a little research on line and found out about social anxiety; I went to make an appointment with my college councillor (who I already knew and felt I could talk with her), going to her was very hard and she wouldn’t let me leave until I was calm as even going to her gave me extreme anxiety. At the time I didn’t know it was anxiety as I never knew what anxiety was and it was normal for me to feel this way often. She put me in contact with a service where I started to see a psychologist. Sadly being me, I have been afraid to tell my parents about my difficulties and have hid all of this from them meaning that they do not know I was seeing her and while I was in college this was okay as I lived in the city. Now I live at home and have travelled in once to see her telling my mum I was meeting friends (friends I do not have). Now I do not see her anymore because of work and also feel that I am wasting time with her where someone else could be getting benefit from the service – I know this is the wrong way to think but I can’t help it.

This year in school terms I did a pre nursing program, in this I made friends with three people but now that school is over I don’t get to see them. One lives in the other side of the country, another has moved to England and the third also lives to far away plus I’m sure they don’t still want to be friends with me. Anyways after this course I get myself a job in the local nursing home. My parents were pocking me to get a summer job and the thoughts of workings in a restraint or shop scared the hell out of me, I just couldn’t do that. So because I want to have a career in nursing I thought that was the best way to go. I go to work with a bubble around me. As I walk up to the door anxiety grows “who will I be working with today”, “will I remember the number of the door”, “what nurse is on” Stupid thoughts that come and pass without me even realising they have. Depending on whom I am working alongside I think Stressful or stress less evening. I find it so difficult to communicate with the other care assistants on a personal level; they must think of me as some kind of freak. What is even stranger when I am dealing with the residents of the nursing home it’s like I allow them into my bubble and I can do my job no bother and communicate with them and I love it. When I am working I do what I have to do, but then I will catch my reflection in the mirror and I think “This face does not match the person I feel I am right now” and it reminds me of the person I am when I am not confident, it doesn’t look confident. I feel that it hasn’t grown with me and that I look a lot younger than I am. I feel I need to detach myself from my appearance to get on with my job, as when I think of how I look I feel the people at work look down on me. I see getting through each 5 or 6 hours of work as a daily achievement. I am glad I kept it up as when I first walked in the door I was ready to run back out and I would have but the fear of having to face my parents and extended family scared me more.

When I was younger I never cared about having a boyfriend, dressing in the latest fashion, wearing makeup, going out and having lots of friends etc. – I never forced this on myself as I always thought it would fall into place in its own time and I was looking forward to it, I still don’t care about these things as the normal person my age would, but as I 20 now, I always thought this would happen by now. The thoughts of being in a relationship with a guy scare me to no ends and the idea of having sex with someone is the most horrible thing I could ever do, I do not see sex as a bad thing, but for me it seems so invasive and because of my low self esteem and low confidence I feel I could never go there with a guy or girl for that matter. Do I question my sexuality? I have labelled myself as asexual but wonder about it too Sometimes, I don’t feel an attraction (in a let’s get together sort of way) to others, yes I see others girls as pretty and guys cute. Although it scares me I would still like to be with someone – Hard to explain I guess! A lot of things in life scare me, I don’t drink alcohol as I am afraid I will become too open, I’ve been told I protect myself. I have one good friend that I trust, the only person in the world I trust, but I am so afraid of talking to her about my problems as I feel that all I do is complain about myself. I distance myself from her as she goes to college the other side of the country and she has many friends there and is extremely popular, confident and beautiful. 

Imagine waking up in a hospital and being on suicide watch. Imagine putting all your time and effort into the planning, being happy for one last second as you know your misery is coming to an end and waking up to bright white walls and the beeping of some monitor. What if this was not a cry for help.  Do others have the right to take that away from you?

Imagine being that nurse who has to confront that person and tell them what has happened. Are you going to be the type who smiles too much or will you frown and tut at what has been tried?

As a young woman, with her own mental health problems, starting college and further more studying Psychiatric Nursing I have many questions on what right we give people over their own bodies.

Back in 2006/2007 I was in my third year of secondary school I was pretty depressed for what reason I am not fully sure. The main event of that time is when suicide popped into my head. I was sitting on my bedroom floor with my head lying back on the bed so I could view the ceiling. I lay there and suddenly thoughts of how easy it would be for me to end it all came to mind– I would use a knife and slit the veins in my ankles, lay in my room as my parents believed I was doing my homework and drift off to another world – Of course for me this would have been a cry for help and in reality I did not want to die. Those thoughts scared me so much; I started shaking and cried until I could cry no more. A cry for help may have done me the world of good but in a less drastic way – though in a way I did have one. One evening in school during French class, of which I ended up crying in, I wrote a note to my best Friend Lilly telling her how fed up I was with life etc etc... She replied back to me talked about suicide and how she didn’t want me to leave her, telling me my life was to turn out wonderful though she did speak about how her life was meant to be lonely – my mum found this note but never questioned me on it. About three months ago in the year 2010 I ripped that note and finally put it in the past. 

Now don’t get me wrong I do not believe try the action of suicide is the way to go when it seems there is no other door. For most of us there is a way forward though it can take a step like this to get noticed and receive the help we need. Who do we turn to, where do we go? I still don’t know for the most case – The 16 year old in me is still looking for a way she could have reached out effectively!!

I want to help raise awareness on mental health

I want the stigma to vanish

I want for people to learn how to talk to each other

I want to teach tell tale signs

I want people to not feel ashamed or embarrassed

I want to teach people how to approach the topic with a loved one

I want people to know who they can turn to.

I want a lot – and I bet I’ll never see most of it.

Question

If you believe in God and God chooses the end – Would he choose suicide for someone? 

An Introduction!

Hey,

Although I used daisy's in my profile, my favourite flower is the Sunflower. The picture above is also my computer desktop picture. I see the sunflower as a positive thing, yellow being my favourite colour ever time I see it it reminds me to smile.

So I said in my profile I have social anxiety. What is this? Well all in all it is a fear of social situations and the extent of this fear differs from one person to the next. Being socially anxious is not just being overly shy as a lot of people with SA (as I will now call it) are not shy at all.

They way I like and usually have more success in learning new skills is to practice on my own in my own company. For example : In math if my tutor was to ask me if I understood how to do the problem I would usually say yes, even if I did not. This way I can go home and teach myself , this way I don't have to embarrass myself or feel like a time waster.

But being social is like learning to drive - you need some one else with you. Fine I can be a social butterfly in my head while on my own in my room, but put a real life breathing human person there and that butterfly has trailed back in time to there cocoon years. Being a social retard sucks.

Question
Would you rather regret doing something or regret not doing it at all?