In January this year I went to visit a friend from school who I had no seen in well over a year, it was because of this visit I ended up discovering I have social anxiety. The whole visit was my friend, her boyfriend and I, I had not met him before and the whole weekend was horrible. I felt very anxious around him the while time, I couldn’t talk or look him in the eye, I felt that he did not want me there and that he looked down on me. At one point when the three of us went out to dinner I had to leave the table to go to the bathroom to cry. I feel like this most of the time meeting someone new or someone I am uncomfortable around but put it down to shyness and me being weird and stupid. I did a little research on line and found out about social anxiety; I went to make an appointment with my college councillor (who I already knew and felt I could talk with her), going to her was very hard and she wouldn’t let me leave until I was calm as even going to her gave me extreme anxiety. At the time I didn’t know it was anxiety as I never knew what anxiety was and it was normal for me to feel this way often. She put me in contact with a service where I started to see a psychologist. Sadly being me, I have been afraid to tell my parents about my difficulties and have hid all of this from them meaning that they do not know I was seeing her and while I was in college this was okay as I lived in the city. Now I live at home and have travelled in once to see her telling my mum I was meeting friends (friends I do not have). Now I do not see her anymore because of work and also feel that I am wasting time with her where someone else could be getting benefit from the service – I know this is the wrong way to think but I can’t help it.

This year in school terms I did a pre nursing program, in this I made friends with three people but now that school is over I don’t get to see them. One lives in the other side of the country, another has moved to England and the third also lives to far away plus I’m sure they don’t still want to be friends with me. Anyways after this course I get myself a job in the local nursing home. My parents were pocking me to get a summer job and the thoughts of workings in a restraint or shop scared the hell out of me, I just couldn’t do that. So because I want to have a career in nursing I thought that was the best way to go. I go to work with a bubble around me. As I walk up to the door anxiety grows “who will I be working with today”, “will I remember the number of the door”, “what nurse is on” Stupid thoughts that come and pass without me even realising they have. Depending on whom I am working alongside I think Stressful or stress less evening. I find it so difficult to communicate with the other care assistants on a personal level; they must think of me as some kind of freak. What is even stranger when I am dealing with the residents of the nursing home it’s like I allow them into my bubble and I can do my job no bother and communicate with them and I love it. When I am working I do what I have to do, but then I will catch my reflection in the mirror and I think “This face does not match the person I feel I am right now” and it reminds me of the person I am when I am not confident, it doesn’t look confident. I feel that it hasn’t grown with me and that I look a lot younger than I am. I feel I need to detach myself from my appearance to get on with my job, as when I think of how I look I feel the people at work look down on me. I see getting through each 5 or 6 hours of work as a daily achievement. I am glad I kept it up as when I first walked in the door I was ready to run back out and I would have but the fear of having to face my parents and extended family scared me more.

When I was younger I never cared about having a boyfriend, dressing in the latest fashion, wearing makeup, going out and having lots of friends etc. – I never forced this on myself as I always thought it would fall into place in its own time and I was looking forward to it, I still don’t care about these things as the normal person my age would, but as I 20 now, I always thought this would happen by now. The thoughts of being in a relationship with a guy scare me to no ends and the idea of having sex with someone is the most horrible thing I could ever do, I do not see sex as a bad thing, but for me it seems so invasive and because of my low self esteem and low confidence I feel I could never go there with a guy or girl for that matter. Do I question my sexuality? I have labelled myself as asexual but wonder about it too Sometimes, I don’t feel an attraction (in a let’s get together sort of way) to others, yes I see others girls as pretty and guys cute. Although it scares me I would still like to be with someone – Hard to explain I guess! A lot of things in life scare me, I don’t drink alcohol as I am afraid I will become too open, I’ve been told I protect myself. I have one good friend that I trust, the only person in the world I trust, but I am so afraid of talking to her about my problems as I feel that all I do is complain about myself. I distance myself from her as she goes to college the other side of the country and she has many friends there and is extremely popular, confident and beautiful.