I used to write poetry when I was younger as a form of expression. Looking back at some of the poems, mostly the shorter ones they describe my SA perfectly but at the time I didn't know what SA was.

This is one with no title

Shiver away the cold,
And the fear that holds me.
Its harder than you've been told,
To be here and be me.

Fall into confusion,
I'm lost as I stand here
I'll study as I listen,
Though words are but near.

And

*Maybe Somebody*

So many people,
No one gets close.
No one around,
Not enough space.
Lots of people behimd me,
No memories to follow.
One person right here,
Gone, without a trace.

My Favorite being 

Fallen Angel

I am an angel,
deep inside,
A fallen angel,
who has to hide.
My wings are broken,
cant fly away,
My heart is broken,
from trying each day.
I was misled,
to this horrible place.
I was given,
this ugly face.
I don't understand,
What these people are saying.
I can't get the handle,
Of this different feeling.
The dampness that falls,
From these many skies,
Also falls,
From my once blue eyes.
I think I'm invisible,
Like I'm not real.
Nobody sees me,
Or What I feel.
As nothing here,
Is what it seems,
I am often afraid,
To have dreams.
I sit and wait,
For the day to pass,
And hope its long,
The night will last.

Reading back over these poems and others, I realize that I spent a lot of my teens trying to figure out why I was so sad and depressed, it angered me that I had no reason for it (or so it seemed back then) and I was always hoping for something bad to happen to me. It is really sad to think that a child feels like this and can't tell their parents. When I was under ten (I can picture the room but we moved house after I turned ten) I wrote a note saying I wish I was never born and my mum found it asked what it was about and ignored it.....I mean bloody hell at 15 I wrote a suicide note to my best friend, mum found it and NEVER questioned it.(I wonder how she would react to knowing I sat in my room waning a razor)....as a child I had no safe place - at home dad did my homework with me and lost his temper at me for being slow it resulted in me not doing most of my homework then going into school being tortured by teachers for not having homework done - well fuck you guys I was dyslexic, thanks for picking up on that (they never did), thanks for being supportive, I still feel as stupid as I did back then today. I spent so much time doing homework I went straight to bed after and I would try stay up all night to prevent going to school.....it never worked - I kept failing myself. My life was school, homework, bed, school, homework, bed.

Even today I cannot speak my opinion or answer a question in class - "what do you think" results in panic in how to protect myself -even towards the people I love and trust. When I said something wrong as a child my dad would bang on the table next to me or hit me with his fist on my back, call me lazy and stupid. Ask me was I handicapped or just trying to make him mad. My teachers made me do work on the board I was unable to do in front of the class, laugh at me, call me a time waster and keep me in at lunch - I remember one day being told she would love to put my head through the wall and hit the wall with her fist really hard. Even though today I know no one is going to do any of them things I still get the same physical and emotional reactions within as if I that age again.

Right now I am really angry and sad. They let me down - I know people go through worse but that is part of my personal story. I found my reason for being so depressed and it WAS NOT MY FAULT

If you have read this and I don't expect anyone to - I just want to tell you to take good care of yourself. If there is anything you ever do, protect the venerable they need you.

Take care world
Peace