Speaking!

It’s not that I don’t understand how others do it but I don’t think I will ever be able to open up for real with another human been. I find it so hard. Sitting on my bed and thinking about telling her makes me feel physically sick and nervous. I fear  starting will lead to an awkward silence where I am meant to speak but can’t because I can never describe how I feel and my mind always goes blank under pressure. Pressure why would I put myself under that amount of pressure if I could avoid it in the first place? It’s just easier to keep to myself. What if she’s not interested or feels awkward, why ruin such a good day? NO! It is much easier to lie on my bed listening  to music.

So talking to Lilly about my SA – It’s not the outcome that scares me; it’s the process of telling her. I know she’ll be fine with what I want to tell her, it’s me saying it to her that’s so difficult.

When I speak out loud and all focus is on me I panic and when I hear myself speaking out loud it often sounds to me that what I am saying sounds fake/unreal/ stupid/ unimportant . I try to get what I have to say out really fast and go straight to the point that I leave out a lot of important points that would have helped enforce what I was trying to get across – It’s because I fear this is going to happen it does.

As I said I’m not afraid of the outcome of her knowing but rather the telling her part that is proving difficult.  Why am I so afraid of it? There has to be a reason – Am I subconsciously linking these feelings with something that happened before, but what?