Right now I am in a bad place, and I am so uncomfortable with myself. So to start things of I am asexual and I HATE this so freakin much. I just started college about 6 weeks ago and I love it. The new start was great, I tried to put a lot of my crap behind me and start fresh but now it is all coming back and drowning me again.
I had accepted myself as being ace a few months back but when I met this really amazing guy at college I tried to convince myself that I was using it as an excuse for my anxiety. I had/have no anxiety with this guy and I cannot explain why, he really is one of a kind. So Tom (as I am now calling him) is in the same course as me, there are 16 people in my class most of whom are a lot older then I am and Tom is the only one I really get along with and hang out with. We got pretty close a few weeks ago and things went a little further a little faster than I expected. Things went a little deeper and as this was my first em....meaningful......??.....relationship everything was extremely new and strange. Now I never felt uncomfortable in his presence and said no at times to certain things but I was never feeling it or felt turned on, if anything it just felt, not wrong but pointless...??... Meaningless. Hell I got so upset with myself at one stage I broke down and just sat there staring into space, he kept asking what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him....I physically couldn’t get my words out. So he has told me we are incompatible and that we shouldn’t pursue such a relationship but just stick to a close friendship. Fine, but the fact that we hang out in college all the time, he is still really friendly towards me, we hang out in the evenings doing after college activities has my head messed up. I have fallen for his personality, manner outlook on life, he still pokes me, he still dances with me and he still asks me to go clubbing with him. I guess he never did really fall for me if he was to give up on me that easily (though I don’t really blame him) The worst thing is I have social anxiety and he is one of the few people in college I feel comfortable to be around, when he isn’t around at lunch or other I hid myself in the library studying or whatever.
So the moment I feel like some freak person who can’t enjoy intimacy with a really amazing person, I mean it is such a normal thing for people to want, I wish I could be like that! My self-worth has hit the floor and begun digging.
I'm sorry to hear that, that sucks. We're kinda on the same boat. I can hardly flirt with a guy, sucks.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you'll find someone else and be able to share affection with them? I wish he did not say that to you though, he should have maybe waited or tried harder..