A Memory

While reading something on line a memory was prompted. I had to be well under the age of ten as I remember the room this took place and we lived in that house until I was ten. I don't know why I or what happened to make me do this but I wrote a quick note saying "I hate myself, I wish I was never born". My mum found this note and asked me about it, I remember she asked me what it meant and I said I don't know - she them made me rub it out (as it was wrote in pencil) and that was the end of it.

This memory makes me sad as it show that I have hated myself since before I was ten - that it pretty upsetting.

I have added a video bar - It focuses on Avoidance Personality Disorder (AvPD) of which I feel I do fit into but don't feel the need to label myself with - For anyone (if there is anyone) reading this who doesn't know a lot about social anxiety it helps explain a lot and I can relate a lot to what this person says.. the following are points that apply to me from the first video.

1.         Things seem more dramatic when you say them out loud.

2.       When I do make that connection I am on top of the world. 

3.       When I have a friend I hold them very close

4.       The biggest complement is when somebody sticks around and sees good in you.

5.       Sometimes I feel so bad about myself that I stop talking with my friends, I don’t answer their messages because know they will ask about me and I don’t want to talk about myself when I am feeling down and I don’t think that will understand my troubles – They are not real troubles to other people, to others they are pathetic, to me they are real.  

6.       When I need them the most, when I need help that’s when I push them away. ‘Cause it’s during them bad times when I’m feeling down that my self –esteem goes down and I don’t think that anybody wants to be there for me because I’m not good company. Why would they want to be around me

7.       What happens when you don’t feel comfortable around your own parents, when you can’t express your needs because when you have they are dismissed, ridiculed or overrated?