Barriers for Success

When it comes to talking about personal stuff I go silent, I cannot talk- words do not come out. If someone asks me how I feel I can’t describe it, I sometimes cannot answer questions and the person on the other side gets sick of this and annoyed so they move on. Really I would like for someone to stick with me as I struggle to tell them, I feel stupid telling others how I feel as I know they are stupid thoughts that I should not have as it takes me a LONG time to get there I just need to be pushed!

When I do go I get asked if there is anything I want to talk about, I usually say no but really there is but I feel stupid bringing it up, this gets me nowhere! I lie so I don’t have to get too deep on subjects such as depression, suicide, self harm as I feel like an idiot!! 

Pre - placement!

So I am starting clinical placement on the 15^th. Yesterday Tom, Amber, Sarah and I went over to see the acute adult mental health ward for our placement and too see what times and dates we are down for. Firstly the locked door to the ward was not what I was expecting – it was a push button with a door that had a plastic see through part. For some unknown and horrible reason I have visions of a big heavy door that needed opening with a key. Oh what the television has done to us! We entered the ward and found some third years in the nurse’s office and they told us we would get to see some “cool stuff” here- I was tempted to ask what she meant but I didn’t.  So for the first week I am on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I am not on the same days as the others which is a little scary and I hope Maire comes in (she is never in college) I felt okay in the environment, it took me back a little – seen some patients eating (I think it is okay to call them patients) but at the same time I am not too sure what I was expecting – long wards where they site in their  beds all day....I really don’t know .

All in all I felt pretty calm and non threatened in the environment (even if it was only for 5mins). My anxiety over starting in a week is low and that is a little scary!

Sexuality

Right now I am in a bad place, and I am so uncomfortable with myself. So to start things of I am asexual and I HATE this so freakin much. I just started college about 6 weeks ago and I love it. The new start was great, I tried to put a lot of my crap behind me and start fresh but now it is all coming back and drowning me again.

I had accepted myself as being ace a few months back but when I met this really amazing guy at college I tried to convince myself that I was using it as an excuse for my anxiety. I had/have no anxiety with this guy and I cannot explain why, he really is one of a kind. So Tom (as I am now calling him) is in the same course as me, there are 16 people in my class most of whom are a lot older then I am and Tom is the only one I really get along with and hang out with. We got pretty close a few weeks ago and things went a little further a little faster than I expected.  Things went a little deeper and as this was my first em....meaningful......??.....relationship everything was extremely new and strange. Now I never felt uncomfortable in his presence and said no at times to certain things but I was never feeling it or felt turned on, if anything it just felt, not wrong but pointless...??... Meaningless. Hell I got so upset with myself at one stage I broke down and just sat there staring into space, he kept asking what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him....I physically couldn’t get my words out. So he has told me we are incompatible and that we shouldn’t pursue such a relationship but just stick to a close friendship. Fine, but the fact that we hang out in college all the time, he is still really friendly towards me, we hang out in the evenings doing after college activities has my head messed up. I have fallen for his personality, manner outlook on life, he still pokes me, he still dances with me and he still asks me to go clubbing with him. I guess he never did really fall for me if he was to give up on me that easily (though I don’t really blame him) The worst thing is I have social anxiety and he is one of the few people in college I feel comfortable to be around, when he isn’t around at lunch or other I hid myself in the library studying or whatever.

So the moment I feel like some freak person who can’t enjoy intimacy with a really amazing person, I mean it is such a normal thing for people to want, I wish I could be like that! My self-worth has hit the floor and begun digging. 

I want to know if it is too late to learn how to communicate?

I grew up in a house where things were not discussed. Mum would shut off and ignore me when things got hard. I was never encouraged to speak about how I felt or give my opinion. It's just something I was not brought up doing and it's frustrating me. When I get asked a question that I cannot answer I go blank and go silent not out of choice for the most part....how do I learn different, is it to late?

When I met with my councillor and she asks if there is anything I want to talk about before we do other stuff I usually say no even though there is...how do I stop saying I'm okay when I am not?

I really hate this side of me - it's so unhealthy!

__________________

Starting College!

So I haven’t written here in a while – What has been going on with me? Well to put it short a lot has happened over the past three weeks. I may even go to say the best three weeks of my life.

 I am now registered in college and am a Psychiatric Student nurse – Of which I am still in disbelief over, it all feels very surreal, that feeling may even last the whole four years! The main thing and I have really suppressed myself is that I have had little/ no anxiety meeting so many new people all at once, it is pretty amazing – although I wish I could say the same when it comes to the night time. There are just fewer than 1,000 students on the campus of the college, 15 in my course, of which I am the second youngest. It’s pretty amazing that everyone else is mature being over 23. I have made two buddies of whom I would love to call friends soon enough! I am living with two girls who are in general nursing and they are a little too much for me, don’t get me wrong they are lovely girls but they expect me to follow in their footsteps in going out partying every night (no thank you!) but the other two are more understanding and I feel really comfortable when with them out. I was at a house party with my roommates and it was highly uncomfortable but when we left for the night club where I met with Rick and it is was like I became a different person, and I could become myself again.  It’s strange I feel really comfortable around him (but more about that later)

My house mates seems to be having house parties a lot and expect me to join in with them – the last day I was almost in tears as I was so anxious but later that night I went to the town and met with Rick – I am going to try and make an appointment with the college counsellor as I really need to learn how to get over this fear of being social and having fun with others. 

I was talking to the occupational health nurse the last day and told her about my anxiety (just so the college is aware of it) so now she is writing the psychologist I was seeing and I have to see the doctor. I guess it’s not that bad as I know I need to keep on top of it and this way I can. The main difficulty I have had over the past few days it small talk – I can’t do it and it really annoys me when people talk about uninteresting things no one is interested in – but Rick said he will help me with that. I haven’t told him about my anxiety but he knows I am socially awkward (anyone could figure that out)

So at this stage I have completed three weeks of college and I must say I love it here, best choice I have made in my life. I was in the library last week and was looking at some books and nearly started crying as it just seems so perfect.  I joined a few clubs this week, boxing (I’m the only girl in that) caving and mountaineering. Rick and Rose are in the later two but in boxing I will know no one, which I think will be good for me, just to but myself out there and get over my stupid fears. All in all I am the happiest I have ever been in the last 3 weeks; meeting like minded people brings such a good feeling!

Take Care

x

I think I am passed lonely or else I am just so used to it I know no other way. There are times, few, which I wish I was with somebody so badly I cry – not a lot gets me crying. I hide too much; I hide my feelings from myself too. I spend 90% of my time at home in my room and 90% of that time I don’t seem to mind.  Is that right though?  I’m not even sure how I pass the time. Reading, writing letters (re writing them) watching t.v., computer – a lot of the time I just sit on the bed doing nothing – making lists, playing playstation, sorting something out, thinking, worrying, planning.

I hate to let others know how I am feeling when I am anxious, upset, scared and I am so very scared to ask for help when I feel this way too. I am afraid I will be laughed at by my mother.  That I will sound stupid. Sounding stupid, being wrong or boring are my fears. I am afraid I cannot get out with words how I feel or what is wrong with me...I can’t find the words; I don’t know how to explain this stuff. 

Speaking!

It’s not that I don’t understand how others do it but I don’t think I will ever be able to open up for real with another human been. I find it so hard. Sitting on my bed and thinking about telling her makes me feel physically sick and nervous. I fear  starting will lead to an awkward silence where I am meant to speak but can’t because I can never describe how I feel and my mind always goes blank under pressure. Pressure why would I put myself under that amount of pressure if I could avoid it in the first place? It’s just easier to keep to myself. What if she’s not interested or feels awkward, why ruin such a good day? NO! It is much easier to lie on my bed listening  to music.

So talking to Lilly about my SA – It’s not the outcome that scares me; it’s the process of telling her. I know she’ll be fine with what I want to tell her, it’s me saying it to her that’s so difficult.

When I speak out loud and all focus is on me I panic and when I hear myself speaking out loud it often sounds to me that what I am saying sounds fake/unreal/ stupid/ unimportant . I try to get what I have to say out really fast and go straight to the point that I leave out a lot of important points that would have helped enforce what I was trying to get across – It’s because I fear this is going to happen it does.

As I said I’m not afraid of the outcome of her knowing but rather the telling her part that is proving difficult.  Why am I so afraid of it? There has to be a reason – Am I subconsciously linking these feelings with something that happened before, but what?