I think I am passed lonely or else I am just so used to it I know no other way. There are times, few, which I wish I was with somebody so badly I cry – not a lot gets me crying. I hide too much; I hide my feelings from myself too. I spend 90% of my time at home in my room and 90% of that time I don’t seem to mind.  Is that right though?  I’m not even sure how I pass the time. Reading, writing letters (re writing them) watching t.v., computer – a lot of the time I just sit on the bed doing nothing – making lists, playing playstation, sorting something out, thinking, worrying, planning.

I hate to let others know how I am feeling when I am anxious, upset, scared and I am so very scared to ask for help when I feel this way too. I am afraid I will be laughed at by my mother.  That I will sound stupid. Sounding stupid, being wrong or boring are my fears. I am afraid I cannot get out with words how I feel or what is wrong with me...I can’t find the words; I don’t know how to explain this stuff. 

Speaking!

It’s not that I don’t understand how others do it but I don’t think I will ever be able to open up for real with another human been. I find it so hard. Sitting on my bed and thinking about telling her makes me feel physically sick and nervous. I fear  starting will lead to an awkward silence where I am meant to speak but can’t because I can never describe how I feel and my mind always goes blank under pressure. Pressure why would I put myself under that amount of pressure if I could avoid it in the first place? It’s just easier to keep to myself. What if she’s not interested or feels awkward, why ruin such a good day? NO! It is much easier to lie on my bed listening  to music.

So talking to Lilly about my SA – It’s not the outcome that scares me; it’s the process of telling her. I know she’ll be fine with what I want to tell her, it’s me saying it to her that’s so difficult.

When I speak out loud and all focus is on me I panic and when I hear myself speaking out loud it often sounds to me that what I am saying sounds fake/unreal/ stupid/ unimportant . I try to get what I have to say out really fast and go straight to the point that I leave out a lot of important points that would have helped enforce what I was trying to get across – It’s because I fear this is going to happen it does.

As I said I’m not afraid of the outcome of her knowing but rather the telling her part that is proving difficult.  Why am I so afraid of it? There has to be a reason – Am I subconsciously linking these feelings with something that happened before, but what?  

A Memory

While reading something on line a memory was prompted. I had to be well under the age of ten as I remember the room this took place and we lived in that house until I was ten. I don't know why I or what happened to make me do this but I wrote a quick note saying "I hate myself, I wish I was never born". My mum found this note and asked me about it, I remember she asked me what it meant and I said I don't know - she them made me rub it out (as it was wrote in pencil) and that was the end of it.

This memory makes me sad as it show that I have hated myself since before I was ten - that it pretty upsetting.

I have added a video bar - It focuses on Avoidance Personality Disorder (AvPD) of which I feel I do fit into but don't feel the need to label myself with - For anyone (if there is anyone) reading this who doesn't know a lot about social anxiety it helps explain a lot and I can relate a lot to what this person says.. the following are points that apply to me from the first video.

1.         Things seem more dramatic when you say them out loud.

2.       When I do make that connection I am on top of the world. 

3.       When I have a friend I hold them very close

4.       The biggest complement is when somebody sticks around and sees good in you.

5.       Sometimes I feel so bad about myself that I stop talking with my friends, I don’t answer their messages because know they will ask about me and I don’t want to talk about myself when I am feeling down and I don’t think that will understand my troubles – They are not real troubles to other people, to others they are pathetic, to me they are real.  

6.       When I need them the most, when I need help that’s when I push them away. ‘Cause it’s during them bad times when I’m feeling down that my self –esteem goes down and I don’t think that anybody wants to be there for me because I’m not good company. Why would they want to be around me

7.       What happens when you don’t feel comfortable around your own parents, when you can’t express your needs because when you have they are dismissed, ridiculed or overrated?    

In January this year I went to visit a friend from school who I had no seen in well over a year, it was because of this visit I ended up discovering I have social anxiety. The whole visit was my friend, her boyfriend and I, I had not met him before and the whole weekend was horrible. I felt very anxious around him the while time, I couldn’t talk or look him in the eye, I felt that he did not want me there and that he looked down on me. At one point when the three of us went out to dinner I had to leave the table to go to the bathroom to cry. I feel like this most of the time meeting someone new or someone I am uncomfortable around but put it down to shyness and me being weird and stupid. I did a little research on line and found out about social anxiety; I went to make an appointment with my college councillor (who I already knew and felt I could talk with her), going to her was very hard and she wouldn’t let me leave until I was calm as even going to her gave me extreme anxiety. At the time I didn’t know it was anxiety as I never knew what anxiety was and it was normal for me to feel this way often. She put me in contact with a service where I started to see a psychologist. Sadly being me, I have been afraid to tell my parents about my difficulties and have hid all of this from them meaning that they do not know I was seeing her and while I was in college this was okay as I lived in the city. Now I live at home and have travelled in once to see her telling my mum I was meeting friends (friends I do not have). Now I do not see her anymore because of work and also feel that I am wasting time with her where someone else could be getting benefit from the service – I know this is the wrong way to think but I can’t help it.

This year in school terms I did a pre nursing program, in this I made friends with three people but now that school is over I don’t get to see them. One lives in the other side of the country, another has moved to England and the third also lives to far away plus I’m sure they don’t still want to be friends with me. Anyways after this course I get myself a job in the local nursing home. My parents were pocking me to get a summer job and the thoughts of workings in a restraint or shop scared the hell out of me, I just couldn’t do that. So because I want to have a career in nursing I thought that was the best way to go. I go to work with a bubble around me. As I walk up to the door anxiety grows “who will I be working with today”, “will I remember the number of the door”, “what nurse is on” Stupid thoughts that come and pass without me even realising they have. Depending on whom I am working alongside I think Stressful or stress less evening. I find it so difficult to communicate with the other care assistants on a personal level; they must think of me as some kind of freak. What is even stranger when I am dealing with the residents of the nursing home it’s like I allow them into my bubble and I can do my job no bother and communicate with them and I love it. When I am working I do what I have to do, but then I will catch my reflection in the mirror and I think “This face does not match the person I feel I am right now” and it reminds me of the person I am when I am not confident, it doesn’t look confident. I feel that it hasn’t grown with me and that I look a lot younger than I am. I feel I need to detach myself from my appearance to get on with my job, as when I think of how I look I feel the people at work look down on me. I see getting through each 5 or 6 hours of work as a daily achievement. I am glad I kept it up as when I first walked in the door I was ready to run back out and I would have but the fear of having to face my parents and extended family scared me more.

When I was younger I never cared about having a boyfriend, dressing in the latest fashion, wearing makeup, going out and having lots of friends etc. – I never forced this on myself as I always thought it would fall into place in its own time and I was looking forward to it, I still don’t care about these things as the normal person my age would, but as I 20 now, I always thought this would happen by now. The thoughts of being in a relationship with a guy scare me to no ends and the idea of having sex with someone is the most horrible thing I could ever do, I do not see sex as a bad thing, but for me it seems so invasive and because of my low self esteem and low confidence I feel I could never go there with a guy or girl for that matter. Do I question my sexuality? I have labelled myself as asexual but wonder about it too Sometimes, I don’t feel an attraction (in a let’s get together sort of way) to others, yes I see others girls as pretty and guys cute. Although it scares me I would still like to be with someone – Hard to explain I guess! A lot of things in life scare me, I don’t drink alcohol as I am afraid I will become too open, I’ve been told I protect myself. I have one good friend that I trust, the only person in the world I trust, but I am so afraid of talking to her about my problems as I feel that all I do is complain about myself. I distance myself from her as she goes to college the other side of the country and she has many friends there and is extremely popular, confident and beautiful. 

Imagine waking up in a hospital and being on suicide watch. Imagine putting all your time and effort into the planning, being happy for one last second as you know your misery is coming to an end and waking up to bright white walls and the beeping of some monitor. What if this was not a cry for help.  Do others have the right to take that away from you?

Imagine being that nurse who has to confront that person and tell them what has happened. Are you going to be the type who smiles too much or will you frown and tut at what has been tried?

As a young woman, with her own mental health problems, starting college and further more studying Psychiatric Nursing I have many questions on what right we give people over their own bodies.

Back in 2006/2007 I was in my third year of secondary school I was pretty depressed for what reason I am not fully sure. The main event of that time is when suicide popped into my head. I was sitting on my bedroom floor with my head lying back on the bed so I could view the ceiling. I lay there and suddenly thoughts of how easy it would be for me to end it all came to mind– I would use a knife and slit the veins in my ankles, lay in my room as my parents believed I was doing my homework and drift off to another world – Of course for me this would have been a cry for help and in reality I did not want to die. Those thoughts scared me so much; I started shaking and cried until I could cry no more. A cry for help may have done me the world of good but in a less drastic way – though in a way I did have one. One evening in school during French class, of which I ended up crying in, I wrote a note to my best Friend Lilly telling her how fed up I was with life etc etc... She replied back to me talked about suicide and how she didn’t want me to leave her, telling me my life was to turn out wonderful though she did speak about how her life was meant to be lonely – my mum found this note but never questioned me on it. About three months ago in the year 2010 I ripped that note and finally put it in the past. 

Now don’t get me wrong I do not believe try the action of suicide is the way to go when it seems there is no other door. For most of us there is a way forward though it can take a step like this to get noticed and receive the help we need. Who do we turn to, where do we go? I still don’t know for the most case – The 16 year old in me is still looking for a way she could have reached out effectively!!

I want to help raise awareness on mental health

I want the stigma to vanish

I want for people to learn how to talk to each other

I want to teach tell tale signs

I want people to not feel ashamed or embarrassed

I want to teach people how to approach the topic with a loved one

I want people to know who they can turn to.

I want a lot – and I bet I’ll never see most of it.

Question

If you believe in God and God chooses the end – Would he choose suicide for someone?