I have so much work to do, I have so much study to do but I am just no feeling it. I cannot get myself to move and finish what needs doing and it is driving me mad. My head hurts and feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool.  

I feel slowed down, and my back is hurting – I would like to go for a walk but it is too dark outside, I would like to make a cup of tea but there are a lot of loud people in the kitchen. I have to make some calls tomorrow and Wednesday that I am not sure what to do and I am complaining too much.

I am struggling to write this as I am uninterested but I don’t want to do anything else yet feel like I have to do something. I would love to crawl into bed and cry but I know that will make me feel worse. A cry would be good...maybe I will go into bed I have to be up early for college as I have an exam in the morning.

My eyes are sore and tired and the music I am listening to makes me feel sad, my head feels worse maybe I should take something, go to bed and sleep for a while....it’s times like this I get bad thoughts...you know them thoughts...the bad ones but it’s okay I wouldn’t make it to the shop and it’s too cold and dark out anyway. My feet are cold!  

A Long Wait

 So, yes I have not posted in here in a long time – I guess one thing with this blog is that I will not force myself to make a post, therefore when I have the need I will come back and up date. It has been awhile and in reading my last post I have realised a lot has happened since then – a lot!

I can’t remember if I said in the past that I have been seeing the college counsellor but yes that I am doing! I had a bad Christmas and the weeks that followed were pretty bad too. Cyclical depression she called it (or suspects anyway) and has me keeping a mood diary – So to add in there yes I did finally open up a little, I told her, it was scary – The suicidal thoughts, the very low feelings the loneliness – And yet again since I am not in that place right now it is very hard to go back and explain it! One main thing though and it was one of the scarcest things to do, she made me see the college Doctor over it. This left me in an angry state he told me to keep my head down and just concentrate on my studies and not to be going out partying, drinking and alike! Yeah, Mr Dr Sir – I have SA I want to learn how to fit in not become a social outcast! I was also offered medication – I was like wow NO! Not going there!

College is going in two directions, wonderful and “oh so very stressful”.  The wonderful part would be my placements and my interest in what I am studying ,getting out wonderfully with my class – though getting a little distant from Tom – The stress starts when I have to do presentations, I have one in two days. A ten minute presentation on skills needs by a psychiatric nurse for effective communication with service users. The content is fine, standing and speaking for 10mins is not! Another poster presentation next week followed by an Anatomy exam – oh the joy! I also have a vinate (yeah I am not sure of that word) next week too. Which is going into a room and talking to a guy with depression (an actor), the conversation is watched by lecturers and recorded- EK!!! I wonderfully failed my first college essay (trust me to do such a thing) so I am also redoing that while try to get my study in order for summer exams! 

Things can be hard and although I am still isolating myself to a large extent I am moving on from what I was a year back from now! It was in January last year I discovered SA and from that I have discovered a lot more about myself. My next post – A year in review – should be interesting!

This is short but I am tired and will update again soon! 

Barriers for Success

When it comes to talking about personal stuff I go silent, I cannot talk- words do not come out. If someone asks me how I feel I can’t describe it, I sometimes cannot answer questions and the person on the other side gets sick of this and annoyed so they move on. Really I would like for someone to stick with me as I struggle to tell them, I feel stupid telling others how I feel as I know they are stupid thoughts that I should not have as it takes me a LONG time to get there I just need to be pushed!

When I do go I get asked if there is anything I want to talk about, I usually say no but really there is but I feel stupid bringing it up, this gets me nowhere! I lie so I don’t have to get too deep on subjects such as depression, suicide, self harm as I feel like an idiot!! 

Pre - placement!

So I am starting clinical placement on the 15^th. Yesterday Tom, Amber, Sarah and I went over to see the acute adult mental health ward for our placement and too see what times and dates we are down for. Firstly the locked door to the ward was not what I was expecting – it was a push button with a door that had a plastic see through part. For some unknown and horrible reason I have visions of a big heavy door that needed opening with a key. Oh what the television has done to us! We entered the ward and found some third years in the nurse’s office and they told us we would get to see some “cool stuff” here- I was tempted to ask what she meant but I didn’t.  So for the first week I am on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I am not on the same days as the others which is a little scary and I hope Maire comes in (she is never in college) I felt okay in the environment, it took me back a little – seen some patients eating (I think it is okay to call them patients) but at the same time I am not too sure what I was expecting – long wards where they site in their  beds all day....I really don’t know .

All in all I felt pretty calm and non threatened in the environment (even if it was only for 5mins). My anxiety over starting in a week is low and that is a little scary!

Sexuality

Right now I am in a bad place, and I am so uncomfortable with myself. So to start things of I am asexual and I HATE this so freakin much. I just started college about 6 weeks ago and I love it. The new start was great, I tried to put a lot of my crap behind me and start fresh but now it is all coming back and drowning me again.

I had accepted myself as being ace a few months back but when I met this really amazing guy at college I tried to convince myself that I was using it as an excuse for my anxiety. I had/have no anxiety with this guy and I cannot explain why, he really is one of a kind. So Tom (as I am now calling him) is in the same course as me, there are 16 people in my class most of whom are a lot older then I am and Tom is the only one I really get along with and hang out with. We got pretty close a few weeks ago and things went a little further a little faster than I expected.  Things went a little deeper and as this was my first em....meaningful......??.....relationship everything was extremely new and strange. Now I never felt uncomfortable in his presence and said no at times to certain things but I was never feeling it or felt turned on, if anything it just felt, not wrong but pointless...??... Meaningless. Hell I got so upset with myself at one stage I broke down and just sat there staring into space, he kept asking what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him....I physically couldn’t get my words out. So he has told me we are incompatible and that we shouldn’t pursue such a relationship but just stick to a close friendship. Fine, but the fact that we hang out in college all the time, he is still really friendly towards me, we hang out in the evenings doing after college activities has my head messed up. I have fallen for his personality, manner outlook on life, he still pokes me, he still dances with me and he still asks me to go clubbing with him. I guess he never did really fall for me if he was to give up on me that easily (though I don’t really blame him) The worst thing is I have social anxiety and he is one of the few people in college I feel comfortable to be around, when he isn’t around at lunch or other I hid myself in the library studying or whatever.

So the moment I feel like some freak person who can’t enjoy intimacy with a really amazing person, I mean it is such a normal thing for people to want, I wish I could be like that! My self-worth has hit the floor and begun digging. 

I want to know if it is too late to learn how to communicate?

I grew up in a house where things were not discussed. Mum would shut off and ignore me when things got hard. I was never encouraged to speak about how I felt or give my opinion. It's just something I was not brought up doing and it's frustrating me. When I get asked a question that I cannot answer I go blank and go silent not out of choice for the most part....how do I learn different, is it to late?

When I met with my councillor and she asks if there is anything I want to talk about before we do other stuff I usually say no even though there is...how do I stop saying I'm okay when I am not?

I really hate this side of me - it's so unhealthy!

__________________

Starting College!

So I haven’t written here in a while – What has been going on with me? Well to put it short a lot has happened over the past three weeks. I may even go to say the best three weeks of my life.

 I am now registered in college and am a Psychiatric Student nurse – Of which I am still in disbelief over, it all feels very surreal, that feeling may even last the whole four years! The main thing and I have really suppressed myself is that I have had little/ no anxiety meeting so many new people all at once, it is pretty amazing – although I wish I could say the same when it comes to the night time. There are just fewer than 1,000 students on the campus of the college, 15 in my course, of which I am the second youngest. It’s pretty amazing that everyone else is mature being over 23. I have made two buddies of whom I would love to call friends soon enough! I am living with two girls who are in general nursing and they are a little too much for me, don’t get me wrong they are lovely girls but they expect me to follow in their footsteps in going out partying every night (no thank you!) but the other two are more understanding and I feel really comfortable when with them out. I was at a house party with my roommates and it was highly uncomfortable but when we left for the night club where I met with Rick and it is was like I became a different person, and I could become myself again.  It’s strange I feel really comfortable around him (but more about that later)

My house mates seems to be having house parties a lot and expect me to join in with them – the last day I was almost in tears as I was so anxious but later that night I went to the town and met with Rick – I am going to try and make an appointment with the college counsellor as I really need to learn how to get over this fear of being social and having fun with others. 

I was talking to the occupational health nurse the last day and told her about my anxiety (just so the college is aware of it) so now she is writing the psychologist I was seeing and I have to see the doctor. I guess it’s not that bad as I know I need to keep on top of it and this way I can. The main difficulty I have had over the past few days it small talk – I can’t do it and it really annoys me when people talk about uninteresting things no one is interested in – but Rick said he will help me with that. I haven’t told him about my anxiety but he knows I am socially awkward (anyone could figure that out)

So at this stage I have completed three weeks of college and I must say I love it here, best choice I have made in my life. I was in the library last week and was looking at some books and nearly started crying as it just seems so perfect.  I joined a few clubs this week, boxing (I’m the only girl in that) caving and mountaineering. Rick and Rose are in the later two but in boxing I will know no one, which I think will be good for me, just to but myself out there and get over my stupid fears. All in all I am the happiest I have ever been in the last 3 weeks; meeting like minded people brings such a good feeling!

Take Care

x