I used to write poetry when I was younger as a form of expression. Looking back at some of the poems, mostly the shorter ones they describe my SA perfectly but at the time I didn't know what SA was.

This is one with no title

Shiver away the cold,
And the fear that holds me.
Its harder than you've been told,
To be here and be me.

Fall into confusion,
I'm lost as I stand here
I'll study as I listen,
Though words are but near.

And

*Maybe Somebody*

So many people,
No one gets close.
No one around,
Not enough space.
Lots of people behimd me,
No memories to follow.
One person right here,
Gone, without a trace.

My Favorite being 

Fallen Angel

I am an angel,
deep inside,
A fallen angel,
who has to hide.
My wings are broken,
cant fly away,
My heart is broken,
from trying each day.
I was misled,
to this horrible place.
I was given,
this ugly face.
I don't understand,
What these people are saying.
I can't get the handle,
Of this different feeling.
The dampness that falls,
From these many skies,
Also falls,
From my once blue eyes.
I think I'm invisible,
Like I'm not real.
Nobody sees me,
Or What I feel.
As nothing here,
Is what it seems,
I am often afraid,
To have dreams.
I sit and wait,
For the day to pass,
And hope its long,
The night will last.

Reading back over these poems and others, I realize that I spent a lot of my teens trying to figure out why I was so sad and depressed, it angered me that I had no reason for it (or so it seemed back then) and I was always hoping for something bad to happen to me. It is really sad to think that a child feels like this and can't tell their parents. When I was under ten (I can picture the room but we moved house after I turned ten) I wrote a note saying I wish I was never born and my mum found it asked what it was about and ignored it.....I mean bloody hell at 15 I wrote a suicide note to my best friend, mum found it and NEVER questioned it.(I wonder how she would react to knowing I sat in my room waning a razor)....as a child I had no safe place - at home dad did my homework with me and lost his temper at me for being slow it resulted in me not doing most of my homework then going into school being tortured by teachers for not having homework done - well fuck you guys I was dyslexic, thanks for picking up on that (they never did), thanks for being supportive, I still feel as stupid as I did back then today. I spent so much time doing homework I went straight to bed after and I would try stay up all night to prevent going to school.....it never worked - I kept failing myself. My life was school, homework, bed, school, homework, bed.

Even today I cannot speak my opinion or answer a question in class - "what do you think" results in panic in how to protect myself -even towards the people I love and trust. When I said something wrong as a child my dad would bang on the table next to me or hit me with his fist on my back, call me lazy and stupid. Ask me was I handicapped or just trying to make him mad. My teachers made me do work on the board I was unable to do in front of the class, laugh at me, call me a time waster and keep me in at lunch - I remember one day being told she would love to put my head through the wall and hit the wall with her fist really hard. Even though today I know no one is going to do any of them things I still get the same physical and emotional reactions within as if I that age again.

Right now I am really angry and sad. They let me down - I know people go through worse but that is part of my personal story. I found my reason for being so depressed and it WAS NOT MY FAULT

If you have read this and I don't expect anyone to - I just want to tell you to take good care of yourself. If there is anything you ever do, protect the venerable they need you.

Take care world
Peace

Scared that it doesn't sadden me!

I think if I type this out it might change the thoughts in my head or makes more sense of them and put them right.  The past while I was feeling really unwell – I got really down and at one point I was ready to step out in front of a car, no joke – one of the only things that stopped me was that I had so little energy and to do that even seemed like a big task, it would have required too much energy, emotional energy and I just didn’t have it.

After a really stressful college week of which I started to cut myself during I then started my second college clinical placement. My placement is in a new town that I was never in before, I was never in the centre before and I didn’t know the people I was staying with. Anyway Monday morning I arrived at the day centre nice and early, too early, 9:15 and I started to freak out....maybe I had gotten my times wrong but shortly one of the nurses came and she showed me around...I  don’t know what it is but blonde people often make me nervous, turns out she is really nice though.

First day I felt like I did nothing – I was asked to sit in another room as the blond nurse (who is also my preceptor) had to prepare for an anxiety reduction group (ironic) I did end up telling her I have social anxiety and she thought it was cool that I felt I could tell her – It just felt too weird, like I should be the person taking part in the group not leading it. Anyway she was doing that and I was not allowed to sit in on it so I had to read rules and regulation, one really big book. Lunch was awkward as I sat there really quiet and unable to add to conversation and after lunch....well I can’t remember what happened then but I do remember thinking I was not going to be able to stick it out if it was going to be this quiet all the time. By the end of that day I felt really anxious, in the way and like I was just going to be a nuisance for the next five weeks.

I returned to the b&b, I don’t remember the right serious of things but I do know I just felt so lonely, and down - I tried to distract myself with some college work but it didn’t work, I started scratching at the cuts on my arm and then remembered I had to wear short sleeved tops to work so I really shouldn’t do that, grabbing one of the razors I had bought the day before I broke it open and pressed it really hard into the skin on my leg and pulled it across really slowly, I didn’t go deep but I did it many times....this did not make me feel any better. 

After that I couldn’t decided if I should go and get something to eat or not. Either way I decided to go for a walk. At this stage I was at my lowest point. What did I do I can’t really remember but I do recall walking up and down the town a lot and some guy asked me if I was okay. I decided at this point I would try and find the bus stop and decided I would place my distress onto this and asked him where it was. He pointed to a place of which I went to and found no bus stop; this really distressed me....that there was no physical bus stop.  So I paced about for another while, I didn’t know the place so I didn’t know of any good place to go walking. So making my way to Tesco I came by the church – I went it thinking that it would be quiet and maybe a good place to maybe feel a little calmer – NO! Whatever talk had just been on ended and everyone was really loud as they left.  I still knelt down and begun to cry softly to myself, I don’t know of anyone noticed but I left soon enough and thoughts of horrible things that could happen to me raced through me like running water, walk into a dangers looking place get beaten up or worse, walk infrount of a car, I was wishing something would happen to me like I deserved it or it served me right. Walking up the town again I started to become aware that someone may start to notice how many time I have come around here – I went back to the b&b and thought I could do something to myself here but that would not be fair on the people who owned the place – so I went to bed and faced the next day!

And I am still facing the next day. I have returned to my student accommodation and I can say for sure that I was never as happy to be here as I was when I got in the door.  The few days after that which had lead to today have been a lot better, I can gladly say I have not cut myself again and I have an appointment with the college councillor again in two weeks. It is a bit of a wait and I wish I could see her sooner but I am too afraid to request that.

At the present moment I feel....well when I think of going on placement tomorrow my stomach turns and all weekend I have had thoughts of harming myself to get out of placement. Drastic yeah! I have no plans or ideas as to what I could do but I really wish something would happen to me to get me out of this mess I feel I am in – I feel I am not good enough for this place but I don’t even feel sad about it anymore....that the scarcest part! 

I was too ashamed to tell the counsellor that I did cut myself; I wish I did, but I was too afraid of her reaction.

Today at work I was wearing my uniform which is short sleeved, I could see the cuts on my arm. Three lines that kept reminding me of what I did, making my feel stupid and ashamed of myself. Why did I do it??? More importantly why did I do it there?

Not feeling good tonight - if i had the strength and ability to think about it God knows what would happen - sigh! 

Few weeks ago I tried taking some pictures again - on up above is the only I like really

I cut myself tonight - First time in a few years - I keep pressing agents it and it hurts, not much, but I like the feeling. 

I have so much work to do, I have so much study to do but I am just no feeling it. I cannot get myself to move and finish what needs doing and it is driving me mad. My head hurts and feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool.  

I feel slowed down, and my back is hurting – I would like to go for a walk but it is too dark outside, I would like to make a cup of tea but there are a lot of loud people in the kitchen. I have to make some calls tomorrow and Wednesday that I am not sure what to do and I am complaining too much.

I am struggling to write this as I am uninterested but I don’t want to do anything else yet feel like I have to do something. I would love to crawl into bed and cry but I know that will make me feel worse. A cry would be good...maybe I will go into bed I have to be up early for college as I have an exam in the morning.

My eyes are sore and tired and the music I am listening to makes me feel sad, my head feels worse maybe I should take something, go to bed and sleep for a while....it’s times like this I get bad thoughts...you know them thoughts...the bad ones but it’s okay I wouldn’t make it to the shop and it’s too cold and dark out anyway. My feet are cold!  

A Long Wait

 So, yes I have not posted in here in a long time – I guess one thing with this blog is that I will not force myself to make a post, therefore when I have the need I will come back and up date. It has been awhile and in reading my last post I have realised a lot has happened since then – a lot!

I can’t remember if I said in the past that I have been seeing the college counsellor but yes that I am doing! I had a bad Christmas and the weeks that followed were pretty bad too. Cyclical depression she called it (or suspects anyway) and has me keeping a mood diary – So to add in there yes I did finally open up a little, I told her, it was scary – The suicidal thoughts, the very low feelings the loneliness – And yet again since I am not in that place right now it is very hard to go back and explain it! One main thing though and it was one of the scarcest things to do, she made me see the college Doctor over it. This left me in an angry state he told me to keep my head down and just concentrate on my studies and not to be going out partying, drinking and alike! Yeah, Mr Dr Sir – I have SA I want to learn how to fit in not become a social outcast! I was also offered medication – I was like wow NO! Not going there!

College is going in two directions, wonderful and “oh so very stressful”.  The wonderful part would be my placements and my interest in what I am studying ,getting out wonderfully with my class – though getting a little distant from Tom – The stress starts when I have to do presentations, I have one in two days. A ten minute presentation on skills needs by a psychiatric nurse for effective communication with service users. The content is fine, standing and speaking for 10mins is not! Another poster presentation next week followed by an Anatomy exam – oh the joy! I also have a vinate (yeah I am not sure of that word) next week too. Which is going into a room and talking to a guy with depression (an actor), the conversation is watched by lecturers and recorded- EK!!! I wonderfully failed my first college essay (trust me to do such a thing) so I am also redoing that while try to get my study in order for summer exams! 

Things can be hard and although I am still isolating myself to a large extent I am moving on from what I was a year back from now! It was in January last year I discovered SA and from that I have discovered a lot more about myself. My next post – A year in review – should be interesting!

This is short but I am tired and will update again soon! 

Barriers for Success

When it comes to talking about personal stuff I go silent, I cannot talk- words do not come out. If someone asks me how I feel I can’t describe it, I sometimes cannot answer questions and the person on the other side gets sick of this and annoyed so they move on. Really I would like for someone to stick with me as I struggle to tell them, I feel stupid telling others how I feel as I know they are stupid thoughts that I should not have as it takes me a LONG time to get there I just need to be pushed!

When I do go I get asked if there is anything I want to talk about, I usually say no but really there is but I feel stupid bringing it up, this gets me nowhere! I lie so I don’t have to get too deep on subjects such as depression, suicide, self harm as I feel like an idiot!!