Scared that it doesn't sadden me!

I think if I type this out it might change the thoughts in my head or makes more sense of them and put them right.  The past while I was feeling really unwell – I got really down and at one point I was ready to step out in front of a car, no joke – one of the only things that stopped me was that I had so little energy and to do that even seemed like a big task, it would have required too much energy, emotional energy and I just didn’t have it.

After a really stressful college week of which I started to cut myself during I then started my second college clinical placement. My placement is in a new town that I was never in before, I was never in the centre before and I didn’t know the people I was staying with. Anyway Monday morning I arrived at the day centre nice and early, too early, 9:15 and I started to freak out....maybe I had gotten my times wrong but shortly one of the nurses came and she showed me around...I  don’t know what it is but blonde people often make me nervous, turns out she is really nice though.

First day I felt like I did nothing – I was asked to sit in another room as the blond nurse (who is also my preceptor) had to prepare for an anxiety reduction group (ironic) I did end up telling her I have social anxiety and she thought it was cool that I felt I could tell her – It just felt too weird, like I should be the person taking part in the group not leading it. Anyway she was doing that and I was not allowed to sit in on it so I had to read rules and regulation, one really big book. Lunch was awkward as I sat there really quiet and unable to add to conversation and after lunch....well I can’t remember what happened then but I do remember thinking I was not going to be able to stick it out if it was going to be this quiet all the time. By the end of that day I felt really anxious, in the way and like I was just going to be a nuisance for the next five weeks.

I returned to the b&b, I don’t remember the right serious of things but I do know I just felt so lonely, and down - I tried to distract myself with some college work but it didn’t work, I started scratching at the cuts on my arm and then remembered I had to wear short sleeved tops to work so I really shouldn’t do that, grabbing one of the razors I had bought the day before I broke it open and pressed it really hard into the skin on my leg and pulled it across really slowly, I didn’t go deep but I did it many times....this did not make me feel any better. 

After that I couldn’t decided if I should go and get something to eat or not. Either way I decided to go for a walk. At this stage I was at my lowest point. What did I do I can’t really remember but I do recall walking up and down the town a lot and some guy asked me if I was okay. I decided at this point I would try and find the bus stop and decided I would place my distress onto this and asked him where it was. He pointed to a place of which I went to and found no bus stop; this really distressed me....that there was no physical bus stop.  So I paced about for another while, I didn’t know the place so I didn’t know of any good place to go walking. So making my way to Tesco I came by the church – I went it thinking that it would be quiet and maybe a good place to maybe feel a little calmer – NO! Whatever talk had just been on ended and everyone was really loud as they left.  I still knelt down and begun to cry softly to myself, I don’t know of anyone noticed but I left soon enough and thoughts of horrible things that could happen to me raced through me like running water, walk into a dangers looking place get beaten up or worse, walk infrount of a car, I was wishing something would happen to me like I deserved it or it served me right. Walking up the town again I started to become aware that someone may start to notice how many time I have come around here – I went back to the b&b and thought I could do something to myself here but that would not be fair on the people who owned the place – so I went to bed and faced the next day!

And I am still facing the next day. I have returned to my student accommodation and I can say for sure that I was never as happy to be here as I was when I got in the door.  The few days after that which had lead to today have been a lot better, I can gladly say I have not cut myself again and I have an appointment with the college councillor again in two weeks. It is a bit of a wait and I wish I could see her sooner but I am too afraid to request that.

At the present moment I feel....well when I think of going on placement tomorrow my stomach turns and all weekend I have had thoughts of harming myself to get out of placement. Drastic yeah! I have no plans or ideas as to what I could do but I really wish something would happen to me to get me out of this mess I feel I am in – I feel I am not good enough for this place but I don’t even feel sad about it anymore....that the scarcest part! 

I was too ashamed to tell the counsellor that I did cut myself; I wish I did, but I was too afraid of her reaction.

Today at work I was wearing my uniform which is short sleeved, I could see the cuts on my arm. Three lines that kept reminding me of what I did, making my feel stupid and ashamed of myself. Why did I do it??? More importantly why did I do it there?

Not feeling good tonight - if i had the strength and ability to think about it God knows what would happen - sigh! 

Few weeks ago I tried taking some pictures again - on up above is the only I like really

I cut myself tonight - First time in a few years - I keep pressing agents it and it hurts, not much, but I like the feeling. 

I have so much work to do, I have so much study to do but I am just no feeling it. I cannot get myself to move and finish what needs doing and it is driving me mad. My head hurts and feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool.  

I feel slowed down, and my back is hurting – I would like to go for a walk but it is too dark outside, I would like to make a cup of tea but there are a lot of loud people in the kitchen. I have to make some calls tomorrow and Wednesday that I am not sure what to do and I am complaining too much.

I am struggling to write this as I am uninterested but I don’t want to do anything else yet feel like I have to do something. I would love to crawl into bed and cry but I know that will make me feel worse. A cry would be good...maybe I will go into bed I have to be up early for college as I have an exam in the morning.

My eyes are sore and tired and the music I am listening to makes me feel sad, my head feels worse maybe I should take something, go to bed and sleep for a while....it’s times like this I get bad thoughts...you know them thoughts...the bad ones but it’s okay I wouldn’t make it to the shop and it’s too cold and dark out anyway. My feet are cold!  

A Long Wait

 So, yes I have not posted in here in a long time – I guess one thing with this blog is that I will not force myself to make a post, therefore when I have the need I will come back and up date. It has been awhile and in reading my last post I have realised a lot has happened since then – a lot!

I can’t remember if I said in the past that I have been seeing the college counsellor but yes that I am doing! I had a bad Christmas and the weeks that followed were pretty bad too. Cyclical depression she called it (or suspects anyway) and has me keeping a mood diary – So to add in there yes I did finally open up a little, I told her, it was scary – The suicidal thoughts, the very low feelings the loneliness – And yet again since I am not in that place right now it is very hard to go back and explain it! One main thing though and it was one of the scarcest things to do, she made me see the college Doctor over it. This left me in an angry state he told me to keep my head down and just concentrate on my studies and not to be going out partying, drinking and alike! Yeah, Mr Dr Sir – I have SA I want to learn how to fit in not become a social outcast! I was also offered medication – I was like wow NO! Not going there!

College is going in two directions, wonderful and “oh so very stressful”.  The wonderful part would be my placements and my interest in what I am studying ,getting out wonderfully with my class – though getting a little distant from Tom – The stress starts when I have to do presentations, I have one in two days. A ten minute presentation on skills needs by a psychiatric nurse for effective communication with service users. The content is fine, standing and speaking for 10mins is not! Another poster presentation next week followed by an Anatomy exam – oh the joy! I also have a vinate (yeah I am not sure of that word) next week too. Which is going into a room and talking to a guy with depression (an actor), the conversation is watched by lecturers and recorded- EK!!! I wonderfully failed my first college essay (trust me to do such a thing) so I am also redoing that while try to get my study in order for summer exams! 

Things can be hard and although I am still isolating myself to a large extent I am moving on from what I was a year back from now! It was in January last year I discovered SA and from that I have discovered a lot more about myself. My next post – A year in review – should be interesting!

This is short but I am tired and will update again soon! 

Barriers for Success

When it comes to talking about personal stuff I go silent, I cannot talk- words do not come out. If someone asks me how I feel I can’t describe it, I sometimes cannot answer questions and the person on the other side gets sick of this and annoyed so they move on. Really I would like for someone to stick with me as I struggle to tell them, I feel stupid telling others how I feel as I know they are stupid thoughts that I should not have as it takes me a LONG time to get there I just need to be pushed!

When I do go I get asked if there is anything I want to talk about, I usually say no but really there is but I feel stupid bringing it up, this gets me nowhere! I lie so I don’t have to get too deep on subjects such as depression, suicide, self harm as I feel like an idiot!! 

Pre - placement!

So I am starting clinical placement on the 15^th. Yesterday Tom, Amber, Sarah and I went over to see the acute adult mental health ward for our placement and too see what times and dates we are down for. Firstly the locked door to the ward was not what I was expecting – it was a push button with a door that had a plastic see through part. For some unknown and horrible reason I have visions of a big heavy door that needed opening with a key. Oh what the television has done to us! We entered the ward and found some third years in the nurse’s office and they told us we would get to see some “cool stuff” here- I was tempted to ask what she meant but I didn’t.  So for the first week I am on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I am not on the same days as the others which is a little scary and I hope Maire comes in (she is never in college) I felt okay in the environment, it took me back a little – seen some patients eating (I think it is okay to call them patients) but at the same time I am not too sure what I was expecting – long wards where they site in their  beds all day....I really don’t know .

All in all I felt pretty calm and non threatened in the environment (even if it was only for 5mins). My anxiety over starting in a week is low and that is a little scary!