Sexuality

Right now I am in a bad place, and I am so uncomfortable with myself. So to start things of I am asexual and I HATE this so freakin much. I just started college about 6 weeks ago and I love it. The new start was great, I tried to put a lot of my crap behind me and start fresh but now it is all coming back and drowning me again.

I had accepted myself as being ace a few months back but when I met this really amazing guy at college I tried to convince myself that I was using it as an excuse for my anxiety. I had/have no anxiety with this guy and I cannot explain why, he really is one of a kind. So Tom (as I am now calling him) is in the same course as me, there are 16 people in my class most of whom are a lot older then I am and Tom is the only one I really get along with and hang out with. We got pretty close a few weeks ago and things went a little further a little faster than I expected.  Things went a little deeper and as this was my first em....meaningful......??.....relationship everything was extremely new and strange. Now I never felt uncomfortable in his presence and said no at times to certain things but I was never feeling it or felt turned on, if anything it just felt, not wrong but pointless...??... Meaningless. Hell I got so upset with myself at one stage I broke down and just sat there staring into space, he kept asking what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him....I physically couldn’t get my words out. So he has told me we are incompatible and that we shouldn’t pursue such a relationship but just stick to a close friendship. Fine, but the fact that we hang out in college all the time, he is still really friendly towards me, we hang out in the evenings doing after college activities has my head messed up. I have fallen for his personality, manner outlook on life, he still pokes me, he still dances with me and he still asks me to go clubbing with him. I guess he never did really fall for me if he was to give up on me that easily (though I don’t really blame him) The worst thing is I have social anxiety and he is one of the few people in college I feel comfortable to be around, when he isn’t around at lunch or other I hid myself in the library studying or whatever.

So the moment I feel like some freak person who can’t enjoy intimacy with a really amazing person, I mean it is such a normal thing for people to want, I wish I could be like that! My self-worth has hit the floor and begun digging. 

I want to know if it is too late to learn how to communicate?

I grew up in a house where things were not discussed. Mum would shut off and ignore me when things got hard. I was never encouraged to speak about how I felt or give my opinion. It's just something I was not brought up doing and it's frustrating me. When I get asked a question that I cannot answer I go blank and go silent not out of choice for the most part....how do I learn different, is it to late?

When I met with my councillor and she asks if there is anything I want to talk about before we do other stuff I usually say no even though there is...how do I stop saying I'm okay when I am not?

I really hate this side of me - it's so unhealthy!

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Starting College!

So I haven’t written here in a while – What has been going on with me? Well to put it short a lot has happened over the past three weeks. I may even go to say the best three weeks of my life.

 I am now registered in college and am a Psychiatric Student nurse – Of which I am still in disbelief over, it all feels very surreal, that feeling may even last the whole four years! The main thing and I have really suppressed myself is that I have had little/ no anxiety meeting so many new people all at once, it is pretty amazing – although I wish I could say the same when it comes to the night time. There are just fewer than 1,000 students on the campus of the college, 15 in my course, of which I am the second youngest. It’s pretty amazing that everyone else is mature being over 23. I have made two buddies of whom I would love to call friends soon enough! I am living with two girls who are in general nursing and they are a little too much for me, don’t get me wrong they are lovely girls but they expect me to follow in their footsteps in going out partying every night (no thank you!) but the other two are more understanding and I feel really comfortable when with them out. I was at a house party with my roommates and it was highly uncomfortable but when we left for the night club where I met with Rick and it is was like I became a different person, and I could become myself again.  It’s strange I feel really comfortable around him (but more about that later)

My house mates seems to be having house parties a lot and expect me to join in with them – the last day I was almost in tears as I was so anxious but later that night I went to the town and met with Rick – I am going to try and make an appointment with the college counsellor as I really need to learn how to get over this fear of being social and having fun with others. 

I was talking to the occupational health nurse the last day and told her about my anxiety (just so the college is aware of it) so now she is writing the psychologist I was seeing and I have to see the doctor. I guess it’s not that bad as I know I need to keep on top of it and this way I can. The main difficulty I have had over the past few days it small talk – I can’t do it and it really annoys me when people talk about uninteresting things no one is interested in – but Rick said he will help me with that. I haven’t told him about my anxiety but he knows I am socially awkward (anyone could figure that out)

So at this stage I have completed three weeks of college and I must say I love it here, best choice I have made in my life. I was in the library last week and was looking at some books and nearly started crying as it just seems so perfect.  I joined a few clubs this week, boxing (I’m the only girl in that) caving and mountaineering. Rick and Rose are in the later two but in boxing I will know no one, which I think will be good for me, just to but myself out there and get over my stupid fears. All in all I am the happiest I have ever been in the last 3 weeks; meeting like minded people brings such a good feeling!

Take Care

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