I have so much work to do, I have so much study to do but I am just no feeling it. I cannot get myself to move and finish what needs doing and it is driving me mad. My head hurts and feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool.  

I feel slowed down, and my back is hurting – I would like to go for a walk but it is too dark outside, I would like to make a cup of tea but there are a lot of loud people in the kitchen. I have to make some calls tomorrow and Wednesday that I am not sure what to do and I am complaining too much.

I am struggling to write this as I am uninterested but I don’t want to do anything else yet feel like I have to do something. I would love to crawl into bed and cry but I know that will make me feel worse. A cry would be good...maybe I will go into bed I have to be up early for college as I have an exam in the morning.

My eyes are sore and tired and the music I am listening to makes me feel sad, my head feels worse maybe I should take something, go to bed and sleep for a while....it’s times like this I get bad thoughts...you know them thoughts...the bad ones but it’s okay I wouldn’t make it to the shop and it’s too cold and dark out anyway. My feet are cold!  

A Long Wait

 So, yes I have not posted in here in a long time – I guess one thing with this blog is that I will not force myself to make a post, therefore when I have the need I will come back and up date. It has been awhile and in reading my last post I have realised a lot has happened since then – a lot!

I can’t remember if I said in the past that I have been seeing the college counsellor but yes that I am doing! I had a bad Christmas and the weeks that followed were pretty bad too. Cyclical depression she called it (or suspects anyway) and has me keeping a mood diary – So to add in there yes I did finally open up a little, I told her, it was scary – The suicidal thoughts, the very low feelings the loneliness – And yet again since I am not in that place right now it is very hard to go back and explain it! One main thing though and it was one of the scarcest things to do, she made me see the college Doctor over it. This left me in an angry state he told me to keep my head down and just concentrate on my studies and not to be going out partying, drinking and alike! Yeah, Mr Dr Sir – I have SA I want to learn how to fit in not become a social outcast! I was also offered medication – I was like wow NO! Not going there!

College is going in two directions, wonderful and “oh so very stressful”.  The wonderful part would be my placements and my interest in what I am studying ,getting out wonderfully with my class – though getting a little distant from Tom – The stress starts when I have to do presentations, I have one in two days. A ten minute presentation on skills needs by a psychiatric nurse for effective communication with service users. The content is fine, standing and speaking for 10mins is not! Another poster presentation next week followed by an Anatomy exam – oh the joy! I also have a vinate (yeah I am not sure of that word) next week too. Which is going into a room and talking to a guy with depression (an actor), the conversation is watched by lecturers and recorded- EK!!! I wonderfully failed my first college essay (trust me to do such a thing) so I am also redoing that while try to get my study in order for summer exams! 

Things can be hard and although I am still isolating myself to a large extent I am moving on from what I was a year back from now! It was in January last year I discovered SA and from that I have discovered a lot more about myself. My next post – A year in review – should be interesting!

This is short but I am tired and will update again soon!