I think if I type this out it might change the thoughts in my head or makes more sense of them and put them right. The past while I was feeling really unwell – I got really down and at one point I was ready to step out in front of a car, no joke – one of the only things that stopped me was that I had so little energy and to do that even seemed like a big task, it would have required too much energy, emotional energy and I just didn’t have it.
After a really stressful college week of which I started to cut myself during I then started my second college clinical placement. My placement is in a new town that I was never in before, I was never in the centre before and I didn’t know the people I was staying with. Anyway Monday morning I arrived at the day centre nice and early, too early, 9:15 and I started to freak out....maybe I had gotten my times wrong but shortly one of the nurses came and she showed me around...I don’t know what it is but blonde people often make me nervous, turns out she is really nice though.
First day I felt like I did nothing – I was asked to sit in another room as the blond nurse (who is also my preceptor) had to prepare for an anxiety reduction group (ironic) I did end up telling her I have social anxiety and she thought it was cool that I felt I could tell her – It just felt too weird, like I should be the person taking part in the group not leading it. Anyway she was doing that and I was not allowed to sit in on it so I had to read rules and regulation, one really big book. Lunch was awkward as I sat there really quiet and unable to add to conversation and after lunch....well I can’t remember what happened then but I do remember thinking I was not going to be able to stick it out if it was going to be this quiet all the time. By the end of that day I felt really anxious, in the way and like I was just going to be a nuisance for the next five weeks.
I returned to the b&b, I don’t remember the right serious of things but I do know I just felt so lonely, and down - I tried to distract myself with some college work but it didn’t work, I started scratching at the cuts on my arm and then remembered I had to wear short sleeved tops to work so I really shouldn’t do that, grabbing one of the razors I had bought the day before I broke it open and pressed it really hard into the skin on my leg and pulled it across really slowly, I didn’t go deep but I did it many times....this did not make me feel any better.
After that I couldn’t decided if I should go and get something to eat or not. Either way I decided to go for a walk. At this stage I was at my lowest point. What did I do I can’t really remember but I do recall walking up and down the town a lot and some guy asked me if I was okay. I decided at this point I would try and find the bus stop and decided I would place my distress onto this and asked him where it was. He pointed to a place of which I went to and found no bus stop; this really distressed me....that there was no physical bus stop. So I paced about for another while, I didn’t know the place so I didn’t know of any good place to go walking. So making my way to Tesco I came by the church – I went it thinking that it would be quiet and maybe a good place to maybe feel a little calmer – NO! Whatever talk had just been on ended and everyone was really loud as they left. I still knelt down and begun to cry softly to myself, I don’t know of anyone noticed but I left soon enough and thoughts of horrible things that could happen to me raced through me like running water, walk into a dangers looking place get beaten up or worse, walk infrount of a car, I was wishing something would happen to me like I deserved it or it served me right. Walking up the town again I started to become aware that someone may start to notice how many time I have come around here – I went back to the b&b and thought I could do something to myself here but that would not be fair on the people who owned the place – so I went to bed and faced the next day!
And I am still facing the next day. I have returned to my student accommodation and I can say for sure that I was never as happy to be here as I was when I got in the door. The few days after that which had lead to today have been a lot better, I can gladly say I have not cut myself again and I have an appointment with the college councillor again in two weeks. It is a bit of a wait and I wish I could see her sooner but I am too afraid to request that.
At the present moment I feel....well when I think of going on placement tomorrow my stomach turns and all weekend I have had thoughts of harming myself to get out of placement. Drastic yeah! I have no plans or ideas as to what I could do but I really wish something would happen to me to get me out of this mess I feel I am in – I feel I am not good enough for this place but I don’t even feel sad about it anymore....that the scarcest part!
